The Truth is always Stranger than Fiction...

Never known to use one word, when 15 could usefully be squeezed into the same amount of time, Jane is the reason global telephone company executives wake up in the morning feeling good about life. To simplify billing procedures, and reduce the cost of posting out a bound, hardback edition of her itemised call information every month, Jane's entire wages now go directly to BT, who calculate the amount of time she has spent off the phone doing other stuff (like sleeping and breathing), and send her a few quid back.
Catchphrase: "White wine? I hardly tush the shtuff, but a wee glassh wouldn't hurt..."

A master of impersonation, many a long van journey has been relieved by Mr Gray's impressive repertoire of comedy regional accents, made all the more amusing because they emerge unbidden from under the pile of bags, coats and musical equipment in which he habitually nests while travelling. However, should a significant quantity of alchohol pass his lips, Joel drifts into free-form jazz accents, producing an odd Welsh-Geordie-Scouse-Bronx crossover gurgle that, astonishingly, sounds like a very drunk Scottish guy fighting both demonic possession and a heavy cold.
Catchphrase: "Why I oughtta........"

Bitten by a radioactive Ginsters© Chicken Tikka Pastie during a childhood experiment, young Staniel Millar now has astonishing powers over foodstuffs, mainly related to making them disappear off the face of the Earth. However, a recent encounter with professional fat bastard, Buster Bloodvessel, taught him the error of his ways, and he is now cutting down, rarely consuming a Big Mac Triple Cheese'n'Bacon© without first brushing off that rich and calorie-packed layer of lettuce.
Catchphrase: "Fares please"

An olympic standard hand-flapper, Helen responds to many of life's troublesome surprises by making an "oowwww" noise and doing a freshly-landed fish impersonation with her lower arms, often accompanied by foot-stamping. This reaction to stress is non-negotiable Ñ should her limbs be otherwise occupied at the time of crisis, perhaps driving a car, performing keyhole surgery or handling a test-tube of bubonic plague, that is just the bad luck of the passenger/patient/human race involved.
Catchphrase: "I'm just a little girl and this is such a big, heavy keyboard...."

A medical marvel, recognised internationally as the world's most polite and mild-mannered Tourette's Syndrome sufferer. Very much the kind of chap that you'd think you could trust to take tea with the vicar, only to be proven catastrophically wrong. A popular theory has it that Mick's entire musical career is aimed at a moment, some time in the 2030's, when he will be presented to the 110-year-old Queen at a Royal Variety Performance, and stun the world by pointing out the hilarious rhyming potential of 'Elizabeth Regina'.
Catchphrase: "Is spunk vegan?"

Jim is new. So new, in fact, that he squeaks when he walks. So new, as you may observe, that we have yet to persuade him to cut his hair. The closest we have got so far is appointing Lindsey as his official ponytail wrangler. When Jenny departed for a life of leisure on the continent, Jim answered our ad for a saxophonist, saying that he was into "rock and jazz"... "Don't worry, young man", we replied, "we'll soon beat that foul sickness out of you." Now a star in his own right, Jim very much enjoys having young ladies throw their pants at him onstage.
Cachphrase: "I'm new round here.

Known affectionately by close friends and family as She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed. To suggest that Lindsey has an aggressive streak would be an understatement of fact to rank alongside "Dr Harold Shipman doesn't like old ladies". In Lindsey's opinion, no problem is too trivial that it can't be solved with a generous portion of violence, and anyone that picks the wrong day to disagree with this belligerent philosophy is liable to be eating through a straw for weeks afterwards.
Catchphrase: "talk to the hand 'cos the face 'aint listening...

Created in a bizarre 'comic book exposed to gamma radiation' incident, Mr Disco is now a fully three-dimensional entity, with superpowers over time, space and guitar strings. It took him precisely 20 minutes to learn all of the amphetameanies songbook, and another 10 to start correcting all the mistakes that we have been habitually making for the last 5 years. It is quite likely that we will have to break 2 or 3 of his fingers to bring him down to our musical level. .
Catchphrase: "Is that an augmented chord? Or just a diminished 7th?

Mr Davidson's manipulation of both the facts and his fellow band members' grasp of them is the stuff of legend. A veritable spin surgeon, no horror can befall The Amphetameanies without Gordy optimistically insisting that it is all for the best. However, when truly cornered over some act of mismanagement - usually in a pitch-black, rain-sodden field at 2 in the morning, while some bedraggled hippy attempts to repair an antique generator with a biro and some lentil glue, and three folk bands are waiting to play before the 'Meanies can do their bit and he will throw a big huff and tell them to "try organising everything for a change."
Catchphrase: "I think that went really well, don't you?."